Boing

The Boy and I had a bonding thing yesterday over a haircut. Crazy. The last thing one would expect, but there it was anyway. He talked to me for a good half hour. He told some genuinely awful jokes, but he was still talking. It can also be reported that he thinks the B-52's are just plain weird. (Well, yeah. That's part of their charm.) We hit a local bookstore after the salon where Mom earned big points for knowing exactly where the Boy's favorite books were located when even he (Teen Knower of All Things) wold have otherwise had to look up the location of the sought-after title. He buried his nose in a book for the trip home, but there will be a few days of savoring of this all-too-rare connection with him.
What goes up must come down. Hopefully,there will be a residual bounce in this case. Last night I went to pick up Evan after youth group to discover that Middle Child's small group leader was engaged with him in an all-too-familiar manner. Over and over I find myself locked on an expected and reasonable response to some transgression or socially awkward situation only to be met with a stone wall that is intent only on forcing me to see his point of view which has a total lack of concern for others. This makes me crazy. Every mommy I know deals with this in their toddlers and preschool kids, but by kindergarten the general rules of society seem to be functioning. "Say you are sorry..." is eventually replaced by an expectation of recognition of wrong-doing and hopefully contrition or at least acceptance of responsibility. Reason has wings in our home, and it flies right out the window at the most inconvenient times.
I interjected myself into this discussion to determine what was wrong. The group leader turned out to be a concerned mother. The Boy threw a chair at her kid last week. She found this behavior to be unacceptable--- well, yes. She was seeking some sign that the Boy saw his action as wrong, and she was determined to get that response. The Boy saw her as being on the attack. Oh, I know that cycle so well. I engage in it far too often. So I disengaged the Boy, made the necessary statements to him about "personal responsibility", "injuring others", and "inappropriate responses" before instructing my offspring to go get a drink of water and wait outside the gym.
I turned to the other mother wanting to scream with frustration because this woman was treating my child like he should know better. Because we have taught him better,but she fails (as I do) to understand the skewed perspective of the Boy. I have already discovered that he felt cornered by a herd of teen boys who were pelting him with balls because he threw a ball at a boy who was "already out". And because he felt cornered, he responded in an absolutely not okay manner by throwing a chair at Other Mother's child hitting the boy in the back. From Other Mother's end, there is a big difference between the slight sting of a ball that is designed to give on contact, and a chair. Yes. There is.
Today I went to ask the question, "Where were the adults?" and "How did this happen?" And the more important, "Can I send my child here with any measure of security that there will be supervision sufficient to prevent the triggering of that primal Fight or Flight response?"
Which is not to say that Evan has escaped this scenario without consequences at home. Or that the other kids and at least one Mom won't see or treat him differently from the other kids forever more. The good news is that our middle school pastor has some good ideas for how help reinforce consequences and expectations for Evan in the church setting that are in line with what we are trying to do at home. The amazing thing is that the Boy for the first time expressed remorse for his behavior and the other boy's injury. Small steps, painfully small steps, but progression at least.