My phone believes it is plugged in to a set of headphones. This belief is false. As a result, no sound can be heard out of the phone unless it's set on speaker or headphones actually are plugged into the jack. (This is bad when a doctors office calls... twice.) Powering the phone down and then turning it back on did nothing to restore sound.
Online solutions suggested repeatedly plugging and unplugging headphones until regular sound was restored. That one failed. Another option was to blow into the hole until any dust or debris activating the headphone option was cleared. Nope. Canned air might have supplied more dust-busting power, but at that point it was beyond either the mister's or my patience to try yet another fix for the Dumbest Phone Error Ever.
Fortunately, repairs are covered through May, and I have an appointment at the Apple store to have a bonafied Genius deal with this problem. The appointment will result in either a fix or, in what would be a truly ludicrous moment, the replacement of the phone. It's been backed up just in case something goes horribly wrong causing the contacts, calendar, etc. to evaporate. Or in case of a replacement. Either way, this goofy malfunction needs to be fixed because I. cannot. function. without. my. phone.